'No way to prevent this,' says City where this regularly happens

CHICAGO - In the hours following yet another violent incident in the city of Chicago in which a repeat violent offender killed [insert number of victims here] and/or seriously wounded [insert number of victims here], citizens living in the city where this kind of violence routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent this violence from taking place.

"This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there's nothing anyone can do to stop them," said Near North Side resident Kate Douglas, echoing sentiments expressed by millions of individuals who reside in a city where some of the nation's deadliest gang violence has occurred over the past 50 years and whose citizens are 143% more likely to be the victim of violent crime than the national average. "It's a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn't anything that was going to keep this guy off the street and from committing another violent crime if that's what he really wanted."

At press time, residents of the only large American city where a person is shot every 2 hours and 20 minutes and a person is murdered every 12 hours every single day for the last two years were referring to themselves and their situation as "helpless."

EDITOR'S NOTE: With obvious deference to the original from The Onion.

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