Opinion: List of health problems 57th District Rep. Jonathan Carroll must personally pay for

Every now and then in this life, something comes along that drags truth out of a person and gives us a proper glimpse into their true selves. The real truth, the low-down dirty and dastard truth, out from the dark corners and deep chasms buried inside.

It can be a valuable object or a beautiful piece of property, it can be a person, it can be a thought or a philosophy, and it can be an event or the reaction to that event that triggers the behavior. It can be anything really and it can come from anywhere. No matter what it is, it brings some real nastiness to the surface.

COVID-19 certainly qualifies as such an event. And now that we're 2 years into whatever this is, it has become a gift that keeps on giving to those of us always looking for the way people really feel.

If I had been forced to bet on it, I genuinely believed that Illinois House Representative's Robyn Gabel and Bob Morgan would be the runaway winners for Dumb-Dumbs of the Year, but Jonathan Carroll is making a hard charge for the title coming down the stretch.

This week, Jonathan Carroll (D-Northbrook) of the Illinois House representing the 57th District, introduced house bill HB4259 that would amend the state’s insurance code so that a person who chooses not to be vaccinated must pay for health care expenses out-of-pocket if the person becomes hospitalized due to COVID.

There will no doubt be a certain cohort who read that summary statement and begin furiously nodding their heads, hyperventilating as they calculate the proper clapping emoji ratio, and release some sort of hellborn blend of gutteral shriek mixed with cackling laughter at the mere hint of more absurd, unnecessary, and draconian legislation for the people of Illinois. I'd go on but I have too much respect for circus monkeys and trained seals, intelligent species that don't deserve the comparison.

In case anyone in the 57th district is unsure, Jonathan Carroll represents all or parts of Arlington Heights, Buffalo Grove, Des Plaines, Glenview, Mount Prospect, Northbrook, Palatine, Prospect Heights, and Wheeling. And yes, voters of the 57th District, Jonathan Carroll's big-brain ideas are meant for you, too. All of you. No exceptions. Better get vaccinated...or else... That's the message from the 57th District to not only the rest of Illinois but to themselves.

That little "or else" is always my favorite part from local politicians who fancy themselves wannabe tough guys as if to prove to the kids on the childhood playground of their past that they're more than that which they came from, but it always strikes me at its most funny when it comes from guys like Jonathan Carroll who were "appointed" to the position after closed door meetings between northwestern suburban township committeemen.

In case you thought for a brief moment that Jonathan Carroll had an ounce of integrity and would take the political heat for this absurd bordering on ghastly, abhorrent, repugnant legislation, you'd be wrong. He actually threw his wife under the bus for the idea, in case this went awry.

It was his wife's idea, he explained, when she asked why the government picks up the hospital bill for people who are unvaccinated.

“It’s very frustrating," Carroll continued, "that we’re being asked to carry the burden of people that aren’t following what the science and what the doctors are telling us."

Hold on, you're going to want to reread that again so I'm going to reprint it for you.

“It’s very frustrating," Carroll continued, "that we’re being asked to carry the burden of people that aren’t following what the science and what the doctors are telling us."

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. The internal voice in your head that narrates your thought processes is forming the letters just fine.

Go on and read it one more time. An American politician, an American Democrat Party politician from Illinois' 57th District named Jonathan Carroll, actually said this about his newly proposed law:

“It’s very frustrating," Carroll continued, "that we’re being asked to carry the burden of people that aren’t following what the science and what the doctors are telling us."

I confess that I don't know if there's a poet alive today who could write a more beautifully obtuse and ironic comment on anything better than what Illinois Democrat Party politician, Jonathan Carroll, of Illinois' 57th District, said in regards to his effort to protect health insurance companies from covering your health care costs.

Considering the history, it's truly an astonishing statement from an Illinois Democrat Party politician.

For Jonathan's sake, or maybe for his wife's, I hope he has the excuse that there was some nefarious lobbyist whispering sweet nothings in his ear, showering his psyche with compliments about how great he was and how big and how powerful he was, convincing him this law was just what the world needed. The alternative is...not kind to Jonathan Carroll's family.

I mean, maybe Jonathan Carroll's big-brain actually believes himself doing some sort of magical good for the world and that it was finally his chance to shine, but all he's really doing is protecting health insurance companies from covering your health care costs. So I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was just a little confused about exactly what he was doing. After all, nothing says Illinois Democrat Party like protecting the profits of health insurance companies, amirite?

Then again, does any of it really matter? Jonathan and the rest long ago indemnified the vaccine manufacturers from any litigation and liability, why not go all the way and really shore up those health insurance companies profits while they're at it? I mean, it's great to see Jonathan Carroll really protecting those bonuses of the CEO's profiting off the ostensible global health emergency we're all experiencing. I suppose the part-time workers and other voters of the 57th District will want to thank Jonathan Carroll and the Illinois Democrat Party for their brave stance in denying people healthcare.

Before any new readers of my work get it twisted, just as I mentioned when discussing Representative Robyn Gabel and Bob Morgan's wicked witch wish to get your conscience if it's the last thing they do, I am vaccinated. I think you should get vaccinated. Especially if you're in a high-risk category, I think you should get vaccinated.

And just as I said in regards to Robyn Gabel and Bob Morgan's momentary lapse of reason, I'd say the same to Jonathan Carroll that I have no problem with him as a legislator encouraging vaccination, and any number of other treatments we've learned over time. Just as I said previous, if it helps continue to bring numbers down and ease the hysterical burdens heaped upon us over the last 20 months, and if it helps to build the confidence of that hysterical collective that continues to hold us back and encourages them to get back to whatever our memory of normal was, more quickly, while I don't think it's a necessity I also don't think it's a bad idea for Jonathan Carroll to encourage his constituents and others.

But, again, there are these silly little things called principles that I care about and I just can't abide Jonathan Carroll writing bad law and advancing bad policy that set obscene and immoral precedents like the law he proposed, particularly when they use things like global health emergencies as their covers and excuses.

Just as I said in reference to Robyn Gabel and Bob Morgan, no law will end this pandemic. Not SB1169, not HB4259, and not THX1138. The mere suggestion that any of them will and to continue to enact utterly absurd law as a condition to end it, especially laws written by special ed teachers with communications degrees from DePaul, is borderline reprehensible. Just as I said about Robyn Gabel and Bob Morgan, I'd call Jonathan Carroll fully reprehensible if I believed he even understood half of what he was doing but I don't so I'm being merciful.

While I suspect Jonathan Carroll is utterly clueless about how health insurance works without a lobbyist's dulcet tone in his airpods...if that lobbyist is reading this...I gotta be honest...

You may be on to something...

In fact...the more I think about it...

The more and more I LOVE the idea!

My regular readers know but some of you new readers may not be aware, the citizens of Illinois pay a lot of money for health insurance for Illinois lawmakers. I mean, Illinois citizens pay A LOT of money. Surprise.

I know, I was shocked, too, but it's true. Despite being a part-time job Illinois state lawmakers have given themselves incredible insurance compensation. Can you believe it? And no, we're not talking about anything to do with pensions here, we're strictly discussing health insurance, entirely separate from pensions.

I don't know if you know this but, in addition to paying the vast majority of the annual premiums while they're in elected office, after serving in the Illinois legislature for as little as eight years, Illinois lawmakers can continue to receive health insurance benefits for the rest of their lives.

Tell me, part-time worker in Illinois' 57th District, do you have that option at your job? Do the full-time workers in Illinois' 57th District have that option at their jobs?

Doubtful.

That's why, the more and more I think about it, I'm beginning to appreciate Illinois State Rep. Jonathan Carroll's new bill protecting health insurance companies from paying for health care in the event they choose not to take the steps that duh science and duh data tell them to do.

As with all nonsense legislation, IT SETS SUCH A FANTASTIC PRECEDENT!

Remember this day, Illinois citizen taxpayer, because it was this day that Democrat Jonathan Carroll of the 57th District set the precedent that we can demand the same from our legislators!

It’s very frustrating, you know what I mean? It's very frustrating that we’re being asked to carry the burden of people that aren’t following what the science and what the doctors are telling us.

So, thanks to Jonathan Carroll's incredible sacrifice, I propose that no insurance covered by the Illinois taxpayer will have to payout for either Jonathan Carroll or his family in the event of any of the following health problems they may experience in the future:

• Influenza

This one should go without saying as it's so close to what's happening with COVID.

Unless Jonathan Carroll and his family are vaccinated against every single strain of the flu variant every single year, Jonathan Carroll and his family will no longer be covered by their Illinois State health insurance in the event they are hospitalized.

• Chronic Lower Respiratory Diseases

I hope Jonathan Carroll has never smoked or even been around secondhand smoke because, as we all know, the carcinogens in smoking tobacco could cause lung cancer and emphysema, among others.

Surely, Jonathan Carroll would agree that there is obviously more than enough science and countless doctors happy to make the case against smoking and, unless he can prove that he was forced to inhale the smoke and that smoke was impossible to avoid for his entire life, neither he nor his family will be covered by their Illinois State health insurance in the event they are hospitalized.

The same would naturally apply to outdoor and indoor air pollution (often caused by cooking with solid fuels) which are also common causes of chronic lower respiratory diseases.

This section would also cover any incidents where they do not actively avoid pneumonia, bronchitis, and tuberculosis, including but not limited to ever leaving their house.

• Other Cancers

Unfortunately, the citizens of Illinois are unable to limit the restrictions on the types of cancers that Jonathan Carroll and his family may ultimately no longer be covered for in the future.

As we all know because we're big followers of science and what the doctors tell us, the direct cause of the cancer itself can never be 100% known and there's simply too much "gray area" for the Illinois taxpayer to possibly say if Jonathan Carroll did enough to voluntarily avoid those cancers. Additionally, as science continues to improve with future developments and discoveries, the citizens of Illinois are unable to rule out any potential future causes so we're going to be forced to restrict Jonathan Carroll and his family from ever being covered for any cancers in the event they are hospitalized.

• Obesity and any related health problems due to obesity

Almost ALL scientists and doctors agree, obesity in America is reaching epidemic and catastrophic proportions. Aw shucks, one look at internet memes from across the world shows that America has a BIG stereotype.

Try as he might to distract with zany bow ties worn on the house floor, there's no hiding that Illinois State Rep. Jonathan Carroll struggles with a healthy lifestyle. As such, the citizens of Illinois are forced to include any and all obesity related health problems that may cause hospitalization for Jonathan Carroll and/or his family members.

These health problems may include but are not limited to the following:

- Cardiovascular Diseases
- Diabetes, Blood, and Endocrine Diseases
- Kidney Disease
- Nutritional Deficiancies

All of those listed conditions are easily proven by the science and the data and the doctors to be significantly increased as a result of obesity and an unhealthy lifestyle.

As such, and on behalf of the Illinois taxpayer, we're going to have to put conditions on Jonathan Carroll and his family's consumption of any and all fast food. Further, and most importantly, once Jonathan Carroll or anyone in his family's body mass index (BMI) reaches 25 his insurance carrier will be authorized to issue a final warning of cancellation of coverages. God forbid, if their BMI goes over 30, he and his family will be forced to cover health care costs due to any obesity related health concerns.

I'm sure I missed something in that list and I'm happy to take suggestions from my readers about what other issues should be included.

The good news for Jonathan Carroll is he and his family will still have excellent coverage for things like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, Dementia, Natural Disasters, Terrorism, and any physical accidents that may result in serious hospitalization such as walking and chewing gum at the same time.

Again, on behalf of the Illinois taxpayer, we'd like to thank Jonathan Carroll for setting this precedent with HB4259 and we look forward to reviewing the health insurance policies of any and all additional Illinois legislators.

Or, you know, the voters of the 57th District could just vote Jonathan Carroll and the legislators like him, who treat individual liberties as nothing more than soapboxes to stand on and pose for their admirers, out of office?

Jonathan Carroll hasn't made it 8 years, yet. Then he'll just be one of us...

And he won't be protected from legislators like him.